A Proven Marriage Saving Philosophy

In the 1970s, my father, Willard F. Harley, Jr., founded Marriage Builders®, pioneering a new approach and original concepts to creating successful marriages. I have spent decades teaching, coaching, and living by these same powerful principles.

The original Marriage Builders® concepts described below are central to my work of helping couples build a love that lasts.

The Love Bank: A metaphor for your feelings in a relationship. Positive actions are deposits that increase love, while negative actions are withdrawals that deplete it. The goal is to maintain a high balance.

Emotional Needs for Love: Spouses must identify and meet each other’s most important emotional needs (e.g., affection, conversation) in a mutually enjoyable way. Fulfilling these needs is the primary way to make large Love Bank deposits.

Love Busters: Destructive habits like angry outbursts, disrespect, and selfishness cause massive withdrawals from the Love Bank. For a marriage to succeed, these behaviors must be completely eliminated.

Policy of Undivided Attention: Dedicate a significant amount of time weekly (e.g., 15 hours) to giving your spouse focused, quality, and undivided attention to meet each others most important emotional needs.

Policy of Radical Honesty: Be completely and respectfully transparent about your thoughts, feelings, history, and daily activities. This total honesty builds the trust, connection, and intimacy essential for a strong marriage.

Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. That’s not control, it’s respect. This rule protects both partners from selfish or thoughtless decisions that cause unhappiness.

The Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation:

Set ground rules to keep the negotiation pleasant and safe.
Identify and understand the problem from both perspectives respectfully and without judgment.
Brainstorm all possible solutions.
Choose the solution that both parties can agree on with enthusiasm.

Three States of Mind in Marriage: A marriage is always in one of three states:

Intimacy (being in love)
Conflict (emotional impasse),
Withdrawal (emotionally disconnected).

The Giver and Taker: Everyone has a Giver and Taker within them. Our Giver gives, and our Taker takes. If left unchecked, both can ruin your love for each other.

The Roll of Instincts and Habits in Marriage: Instincts are innate behaviors, while habits are learned. Both are repeated, effortless patterns that make up most of our actions. In relationships, these behaviors create Love Bank deposits or withdrawals. The goal is to establish and cultivate good habits for effortless deposits and stop destructive instincts and habits that repeatedly make withdrawals.

By becoming aware of these concepts AND integrating them into your lifestyle, your marriage is placed on a path that allows a relationship of extraordinary care to become the norm. Let me help you make that happen by scheduling an appointment right away.