Marriage Builders® Coaching - Steven W. Harley, M.S., Marriage Coach
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Marriage Coaching Answers

FAQ’s

Marriage Coaching: Frequently Asked Questions

What is the typical duration of marriage coaching?

That’s a crucial question. While every couple’s journey is unique, I can provide a general framework based on the goals you want to achieve.

My coaching philosophy is built on empowerment. Think of me as a strategist and trainer for your relationship. I provide the tools, insights, and structure to help you succeed, with the ultimate goal of making my role unnecessary.

Here are some common engagement levels based on a couple’s starting point:

  • Strategic Tune-Up (3-5 Sessions): Ideal for couples with a solid relationship who are facing a specific roadblock or wish to proactively strengthen their connection. We focus on targeted skill-building and resolving a particular challenge.
  • Relationship Relaunch (6-12 Sessions): Designed for couples who have drifted apart over time and want to intentionally rebuild their foundation. We develop a comprehensive roadmap to restore communication, intimacy, and a shared vision. Our initial sessions are often weekly, then transition to bi-weekly as you integrate new habits.
  • Crisis Recovery & Healing (A Phased Approach): For couples navigating a significant crisis, such as infidelity, our work is more intensive and tailored. It’s less about a set number of sessions and more about moving through the phases of healing—from initial stabilization to rebuilding trust and designing a new future. This is a deeper, more sustained partnership.

The most important factor is your commitment to the process. My role is to accelerate your progress and ensure you have the skills to thrive long-term.

To determine the best path forward for you, I invite you to a complimentary introductory call where we can discuss your specific situation and outline a potential plan.

Absolutely. It is more than okay to start marriage coaching by yourself. In fact, it is a courageous, powerful, and often highly effective step to take for your relationship.
Thinking you both have to go together is a common misconception that stops many people from getting the help they need. Here’s a supportive breakdown of why going solo is such a powerful choice:

Think of your marriage as a dance. You and your spouse have learned a certain set of steps together. If one person changes their steps, the entire dance has to change. When you change your actions, your communication, and your reactions, the entire system has to adjust. By working on yourself, you can single-handedly change the dynamic of your marriage for the better.

  1. You Gain Incredible Clarity: Coaching will help you understand your own needs, triggers, and patterns of communication. Sometimes, we’re so focused on our spouse’s behavior that we don’t see the role we play. This self-awareness is the foundation for real change.
  2. You Learn New, Effective Skills: As a coach, I can equip you with powerful tools for communication, conflict resolution, and setting healthy boundaries. When you start using these skills, you may be surprised at how differently your spouse begins to respond. You are showing your spouse that you are committed, willing to be vulnerable, and invested in growth. This can sometimes inspire a hesitant spouse to become more curious and eventually join the process.
  3. You’ll Gain Invaluable Tools and Clarity: A coach will provide you with tools for better communication, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation. You will also gain clarity on your own needs, and what you truly want from your marriage. This clarity is beneficial regardless of what your spouse does.
  4. It Can Inspire Your Spouse: Sometimes, a spouse is resistant to coaching because they feel blamed, ashamed, or pressured. When you go on your own, you’re sending a message: “This isn’t about blaming you. This is about me working to be the best spouse I can be for us.” This can often soften their defensiveness and make them more curious and open over time.

You Get the Support YOU Need: Feeling like you’re the only one trying is exhausting and lonely. I will provide a supportive, non-judgmental space for you to process your feelings, build your resilience, and feel empowered, regardless of what your spouse does.

To get the most out of your solo coaching journey, keep these points in mind:

  • Focus on “I,” not “They.” The goal is to work on yourself. Frame your challenges from your perspective. For example, instead of “He never listens to me,” you’ll learn to explore, “I feel unheard and unimportant when I try to express myself. What can I do to communicate in a way that is more likely to be heard?”
  • Avoid Becoming the “Relationship Expert.” It can be tempting to come home and “school” your spouse on all the new things you’re learning. This can feel critical and will likely cause them to shut down. Instead, simply embody the changes. Share your feelings using your new skills, don’t lecture them on the skills themselves.
  • Manage Your Expectations. While your changes can influence the relationship, it doesn’t guarantee your spouse will change overnight, or at all. The primary goal is your own growth, peace, and clarity. Any positive change in the relationship is a wonderful bonus.
  • Communicate Your Intentions Gently. If you decide to tell your spouse, frame it as a personal growth journey. You could say something like: “I love you and I’m committed to our marriage. I’ve decided to work with a coach to learn how I can be a better spouse and handle stress more effectively. This is for me, and there’s no pressure on you at all, but I wanted to be open about it.”

You are not giving up by going alone; you are stepping up. You are taking a hopeful, loving, and powerful action for the future of your relationship. It is a sign of your strength and your commitment and I look forward to working with you.

“That’s an excellent question. My decision to coach exclusively by phone is a deliberate one, based on three decades of seeing what creates the most powerful and lasting breakthroughs for couples. While video is common today, I’ve found that phone coaching offers unique advantages that directly benefit my clients:

  1. It Creates Unparalleled Focus on Communication.
    Without visual distractions, we are all forced to become better listeners. We tune in more deeply to tone of voice, pauses, and the actual words being said. This sharpens the most critical skill in any marriage: hearing and understanding one another. It moves the focus from reacting to what you see (like an eye-roll or crossed arms) to truly processing what you hear.
  2. It Provides a Safer, More Controlled Environment.
    Discussing sensitive issues can be hard. Being in the comfort and privacy of your own space—perhaps even in different rooms—can lower anxiety and defensiveness. This often allows for more honest and vulnerable conversations than you might have sitting face-to-face in an unfamiliar office.
  3. It’s All About Convenience and Consistency.
    Life is busy. Phone coaching eliminates travel time, the need for babysitters, and scheduling conflicts. You can connect from anywhere, ensuring you never have to miss a session that could be a turning point for your relationship. This consistency is crucial for building momentum and achieving your goals.

Over the last 30 years, I have optimized a methodology specifically for this format. It is a proven, effective, and powerful way to focus on what truly matters: your issues, your progress, and the future of your marriage. It works.”